Exactly that. The world's a cruel cruel place to live in. I'm saying this now, and if it ruins happiness for anyone of you, then good. Good in a sense that I've woken you up from your obnoxiousness and ego.
Rainbows are fake. If rainbows really do exist, then why aren't there no such things as leprechauns since there'd be a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow ? Huh, exactly.
Nobody's life's a fairytale, since there are NO happy endings. Do not be so juvenile as to think that one day, you'll eventually rise up to the top cos in this world, you'll achieve nothing if you just boast about all your future accomplishments, without even doing anything sufficient to meet those targets you've set for yourself.
Sorry, I was digressing a bit there.
Back to blog proper.
As I've said, nobody's life is a fairytale, since there are NO such things as happy endings. Also, no silver lining.
For me ? No such thing as miracles. If I'd ever chanced upon one, boy that'll be the day.
I waited for you. Regardless of much it pains me, to force myself to go back to school, putting in so much effort, enduring all that fatigue, but for what ? Nothing. Moreover, I've even risked the fact that my mum would drill on me again for returning home late. My mum's like controlling my life now. You know ?
I waited for you.
With my chin up high
and my smile like a Cheshire's
Ending up, with a disappointed sigh
I was excited
I could send you home that day
I was really disappointed
when I knew that Cross Country got in the way
But no
It got postponed to whenever
so I could now send you home
something I promised you I'd do forever
Disappointment grew in deeper and deeper
when I didnt see any NCC people around
I was afraid you all went home already and that I came too late
but no, I didnt want to make a sound
I just kept quiet, and waited
waited and waited and waited
"OMG I'M SENDING MY BRO HOME AGAIN !" I told myself countless of times
1st August 2008, dated
I stared at my phone
for hopefully a reply from you that you're NCC has ended
but none came
the jovial expression in my face, I mended
I began to become apprehensive
to the extent of finding out where the NCC people could've possibly have done their training
and I found myself outside
"Where could you all be ?" I was saying
There, I waited and looked around
I saw the NCC people getting released
yet, I didnt manage to see you
"Please dont go yet ..." I wished
I wished.
That was when I received an sms, a few minutes later after waiting outside with Yvonne and Winanto.
Omg, it should be him, cos as a matter of fact, he was supposed to save his bill. So as I've blogged before, he wouldnt reply me.
Him: Eh ? I very tired sia , and I just finish now on my way home le :)
Me: *my heart ached, paused for a few seconds, and replied eventually*
Me: *tried to not show him that I'm upset* Huh so you're already walking home out of school already ah ?
Him: Ya . Sorry , cause yesterday I not enough sleep and now very tired.
Me: *pursed lips so so hard* Nvm, I go home by myself now then.
Him: Oh okay , eh ? Next time you send Alios home la .
Me: Nvm ...
I stuffed my phone into my pocket. I've immediately got attacked by a mental block. I was stoning, looking straight. I didnt even remember what went in my mind. A few minutes after my pause, I told Yvonne.
Me: Bye Yvonne. I'm going home.
Yvonne: Okay byebye !
Me: (I couldnt smile)
I walked off. Fast. Winanto shouted out a 'bye' from all the way back and all I could do was to pretend I was okay and waved back without looking back.
The bus ride home was one of the painfullest one I've ever had, besides the break with Crystal and my past occurrences with Zeke and Eugene.
I wanted to cry, but wtf ? It was just a small matter actually, which tells me so much about him now. Indeed, it hurt me.
But who's to blame ? He was tired, he wanted to go home alone (for who knows why) and the thing was this, what did that have to do with me sending him home ? Shouldnt me sending him home be something he'd look forward to ? As a result, shouldnt he be more enlightened to go home with me then ?
Plus, he always walked back home. But supposedly today, why not with me ?
Forget it. -.-
So now I keep telling myself;
"Syaifullah, he was tired. Stop being too hard on him. I know I know."
Whatever it is, I could understand his situation, really I could.
People, please support and respect me by not telling me stuff like, "Why are you caring so much ?" etc etc etc. You're not making me feel better if you say such things to me, you know ?
Now, I'm going to distant myself from any communications whatsoever. My phone ? What about it ? I hate it. I threw it at one side of my desk, not wanting to touch it if maybe an sms or a call comes or something.
I'm too sorrowful. Also, I've received smses yesterday from my bro Terry and Benedict. Sorry for not wanting to reply. Besides, thank you Alios and sorry too. <3
Now, still no sms or anything from him, indicating the fact on how much he has inflicted damage to me. I think he must be feeling that everything's okay and let's be happy. If you were me, wouldnt you feel the same ? So why wouldnt he at least have felt the consequences of his actions when he told me all those stuff ?
Huh. My expectations are just so fucking high man.
I've decided, Isolation. Just give me time please, and I'll eventually be okay. Really.
Eugene, I know you hate me now and all; I cant blame you, but I cannot get through this situation knowing that, you know ? Whether you accept what I'm going to say now or not, at least I could now rest knowing I've tried.
I'm sorry.
I'm hoping.
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P.S : My new blog song, it expresses and emotes the pain inflicted in my heart.
And if you'd realised, there's not even ONE BIT OF SINGLISH in this post. That'll be the first. Now you know how drastic this small matter had on my life.
I shouldnt be too petty and senstive.
I shouldnt be too petty and senstive.
I shouldnt be too petty and senstive.
I shouldnt be too petty and senstive.
I shouldnt be too petty and senstive.
Nobody leaves the world a virgin, cos everyone wouldve been fucked by the world. That's how I'm feeling now, partly.
Now I just feel better knowing that I've blogged out all the sorrow in me. I really am feeling better now. I'm serious.
Bro, you know who you are.
I'm sorry to you too.
Sorry, I do not wish to tell you all this bro. I'm just going to pretend that I'm still as happy as ever. I do not want you to get troubled because of this. If you would however chance upon this post, at least you'd know. Now you know the contradictions of what I told you that time.
Bro, in conclusion, I dont wish for you to do anything about this. Lol, I just want to pour out everything about that which was bugging me. I still love you bro and a talk with you, however is widely appreciated. [:
I just thought you should know.
End.