Have you ever felt like breaking down because you're feeling as if your whole world's falling apart? I do. I broke down once, twice. And now, three times. I doubt my condition's that serious. But by extension, I'm just stumped.
I've told myself countless of times that I'm not going to mention this small part here, but I cant take it anymore.
What must I do now? To make you talk to me again? What must I do now? To be in good terms with you again. What? Tell me what should I do then?
We were okay before this happened, we even managed to go out together. You seemed normal, or at least that was what I thought. However, a week or so passed and you suddenly changed and acted coldly towards me. It was till a few days ago when I asked you why, and you said the reason was something which happened weeks ago, even before we went out. Thus, I thought about it. Yea, it was definitely my fault again, even though you initiated it. So what does that tell you? Is it still my fault? Psh.
I've went through this with you before over and over again, I get it, but it involves so many steps and I just cant do them anymore. What, you want me to go to your house again to force you to talk to me so that things would be the same again? Thing is, I'd love to do that, or at least try, just that I dont think I'm strong enough to do something like that anymore. Each time this happens, my heart and soul becomes weaker and weaker, turning more fragile and becoming more vulnerable as time progresses. It's decapitating. Hence, I just cant do such things anymore. I just cant. I'm tired of all these but there's this thing inside my heart which kept telling me to never give up and lose hope.
When this happened in the past, I did just that and I was overwhelmed because we managed to become great again when I actually thought I've lost you for good. The amount of pain, fatigue and wave of mixed emotions I managed to endure.
But now, it's happening again. You dont even want to talk about me anymore, what more the hope of clearing whatever it is that needs to be cleared. Why do this to me? Why why? ... why.
I know, why am I still brooding over this you readers might ask? Time and time again. Truth be told, I dont want to lose anyone I ever bothered to care about again. That's why, especially _ because he was closest to me and I believe, I was closest to him too. He told me before.
I lost Zeke, Zane, Hf, Eugene, Amy, Benedict (which was solely because of you) and I dont think I can take it anymore. Moreover, you were closest to me. I could tell you anything and you could understand. You once said I could too, yes I remember. You know me too well, yes you told me that too. And through everything I went through with you, I began to understand you better, and know you well too.
Just please, dont let our whole brotherhood since April be ruined just because of something trivial that made you feel uncomfortable. Like I said to you before, time will pass, time would heal, and furthermore, the past event which happened exactly like this, it made you feel uncomfortable too, didnt it? The Eugene thing. So cant you still forgive me if I say sorry to you yet again. A sincere one rather? What am I talking about, I was always sincere. No, I am.
What more can I say? What more can I do? Nothing more. I did all I could manage to do and it didnt work. I hope you're reading this even though I highly doubt it'd make any sense to you because I'm myself quite confused over the purpose of this post.
In other words, please forgive me. Please talk to me. I want to be good with you again. Dont make me feel like this. Please. Plus, it's the New Year. Forgive me for any wrongs I ever did to you during the previous year. Another sacred reason why you should do so, is because of our promise. You remember? And lastly, after everything you put me through, happiness or pain, I'm still glad and thankful to have been your brother. And I guess I was a good one I might add, just that I know sometimes I can get carried away with you-know. And I apologise for that as well. Dont worry, whatever it was, you were still a good one to me too, I'm permitting. More importantly, I'm not perfect. So why not you forgive me (if there's a need to) over my flaws? I always forgive you over yours, I swear.
My friends who can help me with him, please help me. You people are one of the few in the haystack who can help. I'm not implying that you must, just that you have the opportunity to do so cos he aint even replying me anymore. So why not help a friend in need? Pleaseeee.
So fucked up. Firstly this, not being able to attend school anymore and everything else which goes with that, my stupid family condition, money, my currently-vulnerable body and my bruised self-esteem.
Sigh, I really feel like dying again (?). Pamela, if you're reading this, I'm sorry too cos it's been affecting me with you if you'd noticed. Some things I say or do to you or dont at all, yea, this is the reason. I'm just feeling so fucked up now that I cant be 100% myself. I know you'd understand. Love you.
Edited ...
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If I think like that, it'd also mean that every man can easily divorce or abandon his wife because obviously, no one's perfect and there are definitely better women in the world. Right? Difference in my case is, I'm faithful and furthermore, I promised. So there. Sigh, I hate me sometimes. -.-